I’m way too polite to unsolicited callers. My wife has been after me for a long time to just hang up on them. I’d prefer to pass them to my wife, to the neighbor, to my dog, etc. Well I’ve given it some thought and come up with a viable script I can enact the next time I get an unsolicited call. I thought you might find it useful in dealing with your own unsolicited callers. It goes like this:
Unsolicited Caller: Hello Michael. My name is Jack (mumble) and I represent the (mumble) organization. Could I have a moment of your time?
None of my friends call me Michael. They all call me Mike. I knew something was rotten in the state of Denmark.
Me: What did you say your name was?
Unsolicited Caller: Jack (mumble) …
Unsolicited Caller: Jack Enjil.
Me: What did you say that organization was?
Unsolicited Caller: The (mumble) organization …
Unsolicited Caller: The Givemeyourmoney organization.
Me: Never heard of it.
Unsolicited Caller: All I need is a couple minutes of your time. Can you spare that?
Me: This is an unsolicited call, right?
Unsolicited Caller: Well yes, I suppose it is. You see, we work for a worthy …
Me: How did you get my name and phone number?
Unsolicited Caller: Well, I don’t know.
Me: Well, ask your supervisor.
A minute goes by.
Unsolicited Caller: He says we can’t give out that information.
Unsolicited Caller: Wait! We got your name from a list we purchased from Giggle. They put cookies in your browser to track your activity on the Internet. They do that to everybody. They made a list of everybody on the planet. We bought that list from them for a gazillion dollars.
Me: So what do you want from me?
Unsolicited Caller: Money … as much as you can spare.
Me: I’ve got to go now. My dog needs to be taken out.
Unsolicited Caller: Can I call you back later, say in an hour or so?
Unsolicited Caller: How about tonight? Is midnight too late for you?
Me: No and yes.
Unsolicited Caller: What do you mean? Is that yes or no?
Me: Do not call me back tonight.
Unsolicited Caller: How about tomorrow? Is 6 a.m. too early?
Me: Look, how about I call you? What’s your number? I see you don’t have caller-id.
Unsolicited Caller: We don’t give out our numbers and we don’t trust you to call us back.
Me: So let me get this straight. You want me trust you enough to give my credit card number over the phone to someone I don’t know from Adam, and you don’t trust me to call you back?
Unsolicited Caller: Well, yes, I suppose you could put it that way.
Note to phone marketers: Please prepare your answers to my questions before calling me so that we don’t waste each other’s time.
I’m really looking forward to my next unsolicited call …